Fuck being awake right now. Nothing but dark shit swirling around my head right now. Can't find the right music to relax to, either. Plus I'm outta tree.
Fuck being awake right now. My low self-esteem is at an all-time high, for some reason.
I've got a shitload of conflicting feelings brewing in me, and I don't really know how to articulate them, which leads to more frustration, which is just fuel in an already-roaring fire.
Quite honestly, I just wanna spiral cut my arm from wrist to elbow and just bleed until I don't feel anything anymore. I don't even want happiness right now. Happiness, I'm realizing, is like hope. Both happiness and hope are dangerous, because they're highs. The thing about heights is: The higher you are, the more painful the fall will be. I'd like to just stay on solid ground. I'm tired of getting lifted up just to crash down again.
Then there's the fact that I have the unfortunate habit of internally exaggerating my emotions. I.e., I'm always much happier or much sadder than I appear. It takes its toll.
These conflicting feelings, though. I'm worried about the nature of my emotions toward this one girl (she really isn't 'this one girl', she's actually a key piece to my puzzle). If it's more than just genuine concern, and actually some kind of something brewing within me, backing up that concern, then I'm more fucked up then this sentence's structure. Then there's good ol' good-as-Gold. I KNOW that it's not going anywhere, but every time she talks to me it's like sunlight in my veins. And I hate to be so looks-conscious, but she is absurdly beautiful. Literally. It's absurd. Not a scrap of make-up in sight, either. Seriously, she really is just golden. It's like being constantly enticed by the smell of the greatest weed in the world, but never being allowed to smoke it. Ever. She is 1/3 of a trifecta of eternally unobtainable highs within this cannabis metaphor.
This post is ending abruptly because fuck you.
Plus, I can't write about the shit that goes on in my head for too long, because that causes me to have to focus on it for too long.
On another note, being unattractive is getting more and more inconvenient as time progresses.
[X_X]-A.P.
Fuck being awake right now. My low self-esteem is at an all-time high, for some reason.
I've got a shitload of conflicting feelings brewing in me, and I don't really know how to articulate them, which leads to more frustration, which is just fuel in an already-roaring fire.
Quite honestly, I just wanna spiral cut my arm from wrist to elbow and just bleed until I don't feel anything anymore. I don't even want happiness right now. Happiness, I'm realizing, is like hope. Both happiness and hope are dangerous, because they're highs. The thing about heights is: The higher you are, the more painful the fall will be. I'd like to just stay on solid ground. I'm tired of getting lifted up just to crash down again.
Then there's the fact that I have the unfortunate habit of internally exaggerating my emotions. I.e., I'm always much happier or much sadder than I appear. It takes its toll.
These conflicting feelings, though. I'm worried about the nature of my emotions toward this one girl (she really isn't 'this one girl', she's actually a key piece to my puzzle). If it's more than just genuine concern, and actually some kind of something brewing within me, backing up that concern, then I'm more fucked up then this sentence's structure. Then there's good ol' good-as-Gold. I KNOW that it's not going anywhere, but every time she talks to me it's like sunlight in my veins. And I hate to be so looks-conscious, but she is absurdly beautiful. Literally. It's absurd. Not a scrap of make-up in sight, either. Seriously, she really is just golden. It's like being constantly enticed by the smell of the greatest weed in the world, but never being allowed to smoke it. Ever. She is 1/3 of a trifecta of eternally unobtainable highs within this cannabis metaphor.
This post is ending abruptly because fuck you.
Plus, I can't write about the shit that goes on in my head for too long, because that causes me to have to focus on it for too long.
On another note, being unattractive is getting more and more inconvenient as time progresses.
[X_X]-A.P.
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